Guide to dating a werewolf or vampire
(am rolling my eyes here)
The girls guide to dating an immortal being.
There has always been a certain intrigue when it comes to vampires and werewolves whether it is their mystery and power or the dark and dangerous side of them that makes them alluring. However, they haven’t been as desired and ‘hot’ as they are now what with the 'Twilight Saga: Eclipse' about to be released. It could have something to do with the movie's leading men Robert and Taylor that have women around the world desperate to date Edward Cullen and Jacob Black, but whatever the reason behind the dating frenzy, we give you a guide to dating one of these bloodsuckers or shapeshifters so things don’t get draining or hairy!
How to spot a vampire:
Keep an eye on the way someone speaks. They are a lot older than they appear so talk of ancient times and trick or intricate historical knowledge could be a giveaway and similarly if they are extremely mysterious about their past.
If you are able to try and touch their hand or a part of their skin as it should be very cold. And we don’t mean from sitting under the air con unit all day. We mean CORPSE cold. Brr.
(fainted)
If you gaze into their eyes and their stare gives you a shiver then you are definitely onto a winner.
They don’t let others know about their ‘power’ so look for the guy in the group that isn’t showing off and flexing their muscles.
A guy wearing bronzer is a dead giveaway as they are trying to hide their pale complexion.
(rolling on the floor laughing)
The rules of dating (OMG, got rules some more)
Eating food cooked with garlic isn’t going to get you very far so avoid at all cost.
Whether it is being blinded by twinkly skin or him bursting into flames sunsets and sundowners are now officially off the cards. In fact forget any daytime activities and say ‘adios’ to your tan.
Never try and give him a kiss when he is in a bad mood. It is best to avoid him.
Say goodbye to the day job and find a night shift as you’re going to be sleeping during the day.
Always tell them they look great, even when they don’t. Remember, your vampire can't see himself in a mirror. This makes for lots of difficulties in the grooming department.
(this is hilarious *wahahahhaha)
They have an intense passion and old fashioned charm and there’s something so romantic about the idea that someone has been pining away for centuries, just waiting for you to come along.
Their combination of unearthly beauty, wonderful chivalry and dangerous temperament make them irresistible.
Sure, a vampire could suck your blood and be done with you, but that element of danger just makes the kisses even hotter.
The negatives of dating on the dark side
They are unable to remain faithful as they don’t limit themselves to one partner for life. Considering how long they can live for it’s no surprise really. In fact it’s quite a lot to ask.
If they aren’t vegetarian any heavy petting around the neck area could end in disaster and a bit of a bloody mess to be honest and if you hate the sight of blood and there is the possibility of you fainting, then it is best not to date a vampire.
Rather than dining in restaurants they want to fest on animals of humans. No romantic sunset walks.
How to spot a werewolf
For starters they are exceptionally hairy. Hands, back, chest rug, you name it.
They will usually show some obsession with fur in one form or another and long hair tied back in the form of a ‘tail’.
The fingernails and toenails tend to be longer, to help create claws. Unfortunately they are just as prone to chewing them as normal humans, so not all will have long nails.
(this too much *rolling on the floor)
They will eat, stretch, yawn, and bite whenever the time is appropriate with no regard to others around them.
The rules of dating
Make sure that you know all about the lunar calendar so you can pencil in ‘no date night’ when it is a full moon. He’s gonna be busy howling his heart out don’t ya know.
Avoid lampposts in case of embarrassing toilet situations.
Always carry a bag big enough to fit a spare pair of his trousers in case he sifts.
Don't be alarmed if he starts stabbing the air with his knives; you can't see the things he's fighting.
Always wear heels, no matter how tall you are going to feel small.
Remember werewolves travel in packs so expect a lot of his friends hanging around and make sure there is always food.
The positives of dating on the hairy side
They are very strong and will protect you.
They are instinctual, which could come in handy when your GPS is broken, but you'll never win at hide-and-seek.
Moonlight walks, hand in hand. (Or is that hand in paw?)
They will be an animal in the bedroom!!! (ahahaahhahahaha..... i cant take it)
The negatives of dating on the hairy side
If the hair doesn’t do it for you then this won’t last. Unless you invest in a hair removal kit (think about the malting).
You may feel you are dating one bad guy after another and you are because he is just taking different physical forms.
Some werewolves are immortal, others simply have extended longevity. Do you really want to grow old while your lover remains young and handsome?
Ensure you know how to sew because there is going to be to patch tears, rips and massive gaping holes in fabric and ripped clothing. On a second note, never wear your favorite or most expensive designer clothing around them.
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